[Lina appreciated it and all, but it was really easy for her mind to wander. and if Jen ended up... ugh. Lina shook her head and tried not to be outright bothered by it. but, well, she was really bad at that.]
I can't blame her if she likes you more, I guess. Even if bowling is one of the least romantic things you can do with a person. [Jen would find a way. she leaned against the wall again, but this time tried to avoid eye contact.]
Bullshit. [ Jen swearing is a once-in-a-blue-moon occurrence. it's so instant, succinct, one might think she practices it in front of a mirror before unleashing it at just the right moment.
or it's a little of that "other" coming through. with her piercing gaze and jaw clenched tight.
that went beyond Lina just exaggerating her own shortcomings or using superlative language to describe everything negatively. that was what Jen saw as straight up lying. to her and to Lina both. ]
After all of what you just told me, I don't buy that for a second.
[that definitely made Lina's eyes widen—she'd fucked up. or been seen through immediately, not that it was very difficult because she was just. so transparent. and okay, fine, she didn't want to turn this into a fight, but she didn't know how to admit she'd been called out gracefully. her words weren't necessarily harsh or angry, but the tone behind them wasn't helping.]
Fine. Yeah. I want to try to date her but I want to do it on my own terms, and maybe I've just been hoping this whole time that she won't find somebody who's... easier to be around than I am. [wow that doesn't sound great, even if she doesn't mean it as, like, gross and manipulative.]
Or maybe she already has and she's just fucking with me. I don't know.
[ Jen took a deep breath and slowly let it out from her nose. easy. calm. the point was made so there's no need to do anything more with that brief spark of anger. tamp it down, put it away, it was enough.
though there's still some resentment there. Jen took it almost as an accusation. after the work she's put in so far into trying to actually form a meaningful bond here, it would be the absolute worst to have unwarranted jealousy tear all that to shreds. ]
I'm sorry if I put it into your head that she could be that kind of person. I'd take that... seed of an idea back if I could. I don't know her. Like, at all. But I'll say one thing I do know for sure — how you look at her is the most important thing in the world.
[ that tone of hers sure took a nosedive for the melancholy. ] She'll know. We always know.
I don't really know what kind of person she is. That's the problem.
[Lina might as well have continued being honest, and this was the kind of thing that, if she could afford therapy, she'd be talking to a therapist about. but instead, it was Jen. sorry.]
She flirts with me and she's cute. [her eyes focused on some nondescript spot on the floor.] And when you spend every day feeling like a drain on everybody you talk to, it's easy to give yourself ideas as soon as somebody shows even a little interest in you. I put my own ideas into my own dumbass head about what she's like.
[that was. also a lie, but not as complete of one, and really Lina was aware enough of her own bullshit at this point that she knew when she was back on it.]
[ Jen did kind of bring this on herself. she's starting to see this wouldn't be an issue that she'd be able to make headway on with one blind date and a few quick tips. Lina wasn't... a lost cause. she was just lost.
and it sure would be nice if Jen would stop projecting so much. or rather, Lina didn't say things that were so relateable where she could stop falling into the trap herself. there's no blame here. ]
I know what that's like. [ another deep breath. a roll of her shoulders. mmph. ] Keep trying. It gets ... easier. [ not "better". easier. biiig distinction. ]
[ Jen sets her glass down and grips at the bicep of her mechanical arm. with a grunt through grit teeth and a quiet, but sudden click inside, she removed it and set it down on the table. she took a few deep, shallow breaths. it didn't hurt, in the traditional sense, but her body always seemed to protest the arm coming off or going on. ]
[Lina was used to the sight, but not as used to it as she would've liked by now. still, she had the good sense not to pull a face, even if she had to look away as Jen actually removed her prosthesis. she stayed silent for a moment after, then looked up at her roommate again.]
I know I'm... how I am, but if I actually wanted to stop trying, I would've by now.
[that... she didn't have to explain that. hopefully. the anger that had led her into this part conversation seemed to have burned away entirely; she just sounded tired. serious and sincere, but tired. this was actually some therapy shit, and she definitely wasn't just talking about Natalia anymore.]
I don't know if it's because I have something to prove or what. Maybe I'm just a coward. But I'm not going to give up like that.
[ it's almost exclusively for that reason that Jen never removes it in front of people unless it's in a medical, professional, or extremely intimate context. the look. there's always, always a look.
at some point it stopped being personal, but it still had a sting to it. more than the sting of dulled nerves and aching muscles.
the physical pain doesn't compare to the mental pain, but honestly? it's not a contest you want either side to win. ]
Lina... [ Jen didn't have to ask what she meant with that. she just... needed a moment to process the statement because, well. it is the kind of thing that one has to tiptoe around, right? one push too far, one misstep, and it could be too late to take anything back.
she set her arm down on the table and stepped away from it.
it's the span of two short breaths. a few heartbeats. but it's all it takes for Jen to cross over right into Lina's personal space, hand resting upon her roommate's shoulder. she has no words for this, and she doesn't know if her eyes can convey support, commiseration, or simply pity.
she is kind of hoping that pulling Lina in for a hug will accomplish something, though. ]
[before Lina was even finished reconciling the fact that she'd just admitted one of the things she played closest to her chest to her roommate, to Jen, to somebody she'd had one real conversation with and had found herself in a complete emotional whirlwind the entire time, Jen was there, in her personal space. hugging her.]
[she hesitated at first, her hands hovering at Jen's sides for a moment. and, deciding that she'd already said enough and rebuking her now was only going to create more problems later, she let herself hug Jen back. and immediately tried not to think of how good it felt to. hug somebody. just to have another person there, even if 24 hours ago it was a person that Lina was certain she'd hated with her entire soul.]
Thanks. [she spoke over Jen's shoulder and didn't seem exactly ready to let go, but Jen was the one in control of that.] I know that was weird to bring up right now.
[ Jen felt that hesitation. she didn't blame Lina for it. if things were reversed and Lina had reached out like that she might not have reacted much differently. for maybe the second time of the things they've spoken, they've found something else in common.
it's unfortunate. but it's there. she won't ignore it. ]
No. [ her voice is soft. careful. ] It's good that you told me. I know I'll have to be careful about some... things I say. So we don't spiral off each other. [ Jen took a deep breath and sighed with a faint shudder. ] That's what they taught me.
[wait. Lina took another moment to process that, then held Jen just a little more tightly. maybe it was because she was being greedy. hell, that's all it was. she wanted to comfort her roommate, sure, because no matter how badly they got along... ha. kind of seemed dumb right now.]
[but she didn't want to stop.]
You too? [Lina didn't understand how, but... maybe she should've. maybe she should've thought about what losing a limb would do to somebody's mental state. or maybe she was just making a bunch of assumptions, jumping to conclusions, filling in blanks when she didn't have enough information yet. same as always.]
Everyone has problems. I've had a lot of time to work on mine. [ Jen found herself still breathing calmly, which was good. it was dangerous to get worked up around this topic. to build up any inertia. best to stay grounded. focus on other things. ]
[ she let out a puff of breath that would have come close to a laugh if she had the spirit for it. ] But ... we've. Got to stop assuming stuff.
[the level of... calm that Jen was able to keep throughout this entire thing was impressive to Lina. it didn't seem something she was actually capable of? but. she knew so little about her roommate. and like she said, they really needed to stop assuming things—well, Lina did. she wasn't sure Jen had any assumptions about Lina that weren't completely accurate.]
It's gonna take a while for me to stop doing that. But I'm always willing to try.
[she said it with almost... a serene quality to her voice? like she'd actually hoped for somebody like this. and like she was. more than ready to try to patch things up. god, she was a dork sometimes. she couldn't have thoughts like that when she couldn't put them into words. otherwise she just sounded like a nerd.]
[ freaking emotions, how do they work? sometimes it's just trial and error. the fuck-ups hurt worse than anything else, but the near-misses can lead to unexpected developments too. Jen's been the victim of her share of all of the above and it's by sheer willpower and support from her friends that she's still able to roll with those punches. ] That goes for me, too.
[ Jen relaxed her grip to pat Lina on the back. ] I think that's enough boob-squish though, don't you? [ hey, look! a joke! ]
[wild to think that Jen could learn anything from Lina that wasn't, like, about dumb weeb shit. but she'd keep that thought to herself, and it wasn't even too prominent in her head after all of this. she actually giggled a little at the joke, too, and pulled herself away with a smile still on her face.]
There are better reasons to be doing that with people. Thanks again, Jen. [that smile was going to stay on her face for the entire damn evening.] Let me know if you ever wanna eat dinner together again, okay?
Yeah. I'm thinking... this should be a regular thing. [ a snort. ] I mean dinner.
[ Jen paused. this might be a little sudden, but she's feeling a rare need right now. an itch that needed to be scratched and Lina was still her and hopefully in better spirits overall. so. why not go for it? ]
I'm not in any hurry to go lock myself in my room just yet. [ to be alone with her thoughts. ] Do you... want to watch something maybe? [ Jen gestured toward the not-to-aptly named living room. the poor TV and DVR that gathered more dust than signals. ] Your choice.
[Lina probably shouldn't have been alone either right now. she glanced over at the TV and turned a laugh inward.]
I don't even know what's on that isn't anime these days. Do they still do the game shows around this time or is that not a thing anymore? [it has definitely been multiple years since she's watched anything like that.] Or we could just find something goofy.
You're asking me? [ Jen rubbed at her neck, putting a little more distance between them. it's probably easy to guess what she watches, too. ] I'm good with anything distracting. If all else fails there's always Animal Planet.
[ another pause. ] Oh right. I was going for an ice pack. Want anything?
If you were serious about dessert, we could split some of the ice cream in there.
[because she definitely hadn't forgotten that. it was going to be stuck in her head for a while, the part where Jen basically admitted she wanted to see her nude.]
Otherwise I'm good. Let's just look for the crappiest thing we can find and make fun of it. That's, like, a friend thing, right?
R-right! [ oh great. way to remind her of that when she doesn't have the strength for maintaining composure. Jen clears her throat and quickly moves to the fridge. maybe if she stuffs her face in the freezer for a minute it'll be a good cover for her cheeks turning red. ]
Okay, I'll get the goods, you go get the couch warmed up! [ good luck finding the remote though. just as Jen will need some luck to balance the tub of ice cream, an ice pack for her arm, and two spoons. ]
[Lina couldn't read people very well and didn't do a whole lot of social interaction, but even she could tell she'd said something to get at Jen. and she smirked a little, and fired off a quick "you sure?" before trusting her roommate with everything.]
[and of course, she had no earthly clue where the remote was and she was even the one who last cleaned this place, she was pretty sure. ugh. okay, off went the couch cushions to start digging and—oh, hey! she let out a surprised gasp and pulled out, along with the remote, a black tank top that had gotten lodged pretty deep inside the couch.]
Hey, I thought I left this in the break room! [she draped it over the back of the couch and made quick work of reassembling things, this time leaving the remote in plain sight for both of them. it would never get lost again. probably.]
That's... wild. [ Jen holds back the volume of her laugh because, honestly, if she didn't she might end up dropping the payload. instead she gives the shirt a look over while rounding to the front of the couch and unloading everything onto the coffee table. ]
Sometimes I come out here and watch stuff. I probably took it off and forgot about it or something.
[she'd let Jen put the rest of those pieces together herself as she started rearranging the stuff on the table to make it look damn near like they were civilized human beings about to eat ice cream together. they were gonna do the breakup special with this eating right out of the tub, huh? all right, sure, wasn't anything Lina was a stranger to.]
I might do that more often now. [anyway, she'd give Jen some help putting these pieces together.] Looking forward to not feeling like I gotta hide from you anymore.
[ she is going to try not to think about what Lina was out here watching while stripping. Jen could have picked up bowls, too, but that would probably also mean putting her arm back on and right now? all she aims to do is settle in on the couch with a pillow under her arm and her stump resting on that ice pack.
after a hiss through clenched teeth, she sighed and simply melted into the cushions. ] Mmn, good. And I'll make more time to just... be present.
[ Jen rolled her head side to side again. ] That guest gym pass offer's still on the table, by the way. Exercise is good for the soul. And, uh, some of the regulars are your type. Juuuust saying.
[yeah, she super was not about to force Jen to change at all. she sort of doubted it was possible? but maybe that was just her having a really poor understanding of Jen as a person.]
I could always try, I guess. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to get muscles. [she sounded... mm. not super confident about it.] Is there, like. A beginner area?
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I can't blame her if she likes you more, I guess. Even if bowling is one of the least romantic things you can do with a person. [Jen would find a way. she leaned against the wall again, but this time tried to avoid eye contact.]
It's fine. I'm not even that interested in her.
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or it's a little of that "other" coming through. with her piercing gaze and jaw clenched tight.
that went beyond Lina just exaggerating her own shortcomings or using superlative language to describe everything negatively. that was what Jen saw as straight up lying. to her and to Lina both. ]
After all of what you just told me, I don't buy that for a second.
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Fine. Yeah. I want to try to date her but I want to do it on my own terms, and maybe I've just been hoping this whole time that she won't find somebody who's... easier to be around than I am. [wow that doesn't sound great, even if she doesn't mean it as, like, gross and manipulative.]
Or maybe she already has and she's just fucking with me. I don't know.
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though there's still some resentment there. Jen took it almost as an accusation. after the work she's put in so far into trying to actually form a meaningful bond here, it would be the absolute worst to have unwarranted jealousy tear all that to shreds. ]
I'm sorry if I put it into your head that she could be that kind of person. I'd take that... seed of an idea back if I could. I don't know her. Like, at all. But I'll say one thing I do know for sure — how you look at her is the most important thing in the world.
[ that tone of hers sure took a nosedive for the melancholy. ] She'll know. We always know.
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[Lina might as well have continued being honest, and this was the kind of thing that, if she could afford therapy, she'd be talking to a therapist about. but instead, it was Jen. sorry.]
She flirts with me and she's cute. [her eyes focused on some nondescript spot on the floor.] And when you spend every day feeling like a drain on everybody you talk to, it's easy to give yourself ideas as soon as somebody shows even a little interest in you. I put my own ideas into my own dumbass head about what she's like.
[that was. also a lie, but not as complete of one, and really Lina was aware enough of her own bullshit at this point that she knew when she was back on it.]
I still want to try.
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and it sure would be nice if Jen would stop projecting so much. or rather, Lina didn't say things that were so relateable where she could stop falling into the trap herself. there's no blame here. ]
I know what that's like. [ another deep breath. a roll of her shoulders. mmph. ] Keep trying. It gets ... easier. [ not "better". easier. biiig distinction. ]
[ Jen sets her glass down and grips at the bicep of her mechanical arm. with a grunt through grit teeth and a quiet, but sudden click inside, she removed it and set it down on the table. she took a few deep, shallow breaths. it didn't hurt, in the traditional sense, but her body always seemed to protest the arm coming off or going on. ]
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I know I'm... how I am, but if I actually wanted to stop trying, I would've by now.
[that... she didn't have to explain that. hopefully. the anger that had led her into this part conversation seemed to have burned away entirely; she just sounded tired. serious and sincere, but tired. this was actually some therapy shit, and she definitely wasn't just talking about Natalia anymore.]
I don't know if it's because I have something to prove or what. Maybe I'm just a coward. But I'm not going to give up like that.
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at some point it stopped being personal, but it still had a sting to it. more than the sting of dulled nerves and aching muscles.
the physical pain doesn't compare to the mental pain, but honestly? it's not a contest you want either side to win. ]
Lina... [ Jen didn't have to ask what she meant with that. she just... needed a moment to process the statement because, well. it is the kind of thing that one has to tiptoe around, right? one push too far, one misstep, and it could be too late to take anything back.
she set her arm down on the table and stepped away from it.
it's the span of two short breaths. a few heartbeats. but it's all it takes for Jen to cross over right into Lina's personal space, hand resting upon her roommate's shoulder. she has no words for this, and she doesn't know if her eyes can convey support, commiseration, or simply pity.
she is kind of hoping that pulling Lina in for a hug will accomplish something, though. ]
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[she hesitated at first, her hands hovering at Jen's sides for a moment. and, deciding that she'd already said enough and rebuking her now was only going to create more problems later, she let herself hug Jen back. and immediately tried not to think of how good it felt to. hug somebody. just to have another person there, even if 24 hours ago it was a person that Lina was certain she'd hated with her entire soul.]
Thanks. [she spoke over Jen's shoulder and didn't seem exactly ready to let go, but Jen was the one in control of that.] I know that was weird to bring up right now.
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it's unfortunate. but it's there. she won't ignore it. ]
No. [ her voice is soft. careful. ] It's good that you told me. I know I'll have to be careful about some... things I say. So we don't spiral off each other. [ Jen took a deep breath and sighed with a faint shudder. ] That's what they taught me.
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[but she didn't want to stop.]
You too? [Lina didn't understand how, but... maybe she should've. maybe she should've thought about what losing a limb would do to somebody's mental state. or maybe she was just making a bunch of assumptions, jumping to conclusions, filling in blanks when she didn't have enough information yet. same as always.]
I really thought you didn't have any problems.
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[ she let out a puff of breath that would have come close to a laugh if she had the spirit for it. ] But ... we've. Got to stop assuming stuff.
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It's gonna take a while for me to stop doing that. But I'm always willing to try.
[she said it with almost... a serene quality to her voice? like she'd actually hoped for somebody like this. and like she was. more than ready to try to patch things up. god, she was a dork sometimes. she couldn't have thoughts like that when she couldn't put them into words. otherwise she just sounded like a nerd.]
I really could learn a lot from you.
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[ Jen relaxed her grip to pat Lina on the back. ] I think that's enough boob-squish though, don't you? [ hey, look! a joke! ]
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There are better reasons to be doing that with people. Thanks again, Jen. [that smile was going to stay on her face for the entire damn evening.] Let me know if you ever wanna eat dinner together again, okay?
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[ Jen paused. this might be a little sudden, but she's feeling a rare need right now. an itch that needed to be scratched and Lina was still her and hopefully in better spirits overall. so. why not go for it? ]
I'm not in any hurry to go lock myself in my room just yet. [ to be alone with her thoughts. ] Do you... want to watch something maybe? [ Jen gestured toward the not-to-aptly named living room. the poor TV and DVR that gathered more dust than signals. ] Your choice.
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[Lina probably shouldn't have been alone either right now. she glanced over at the TV and turned a laugh inward.]
I don't even know what's on that isn't anime these days. Do they still do the game shows around this time or is that not a thing anymore? [it has definitely been multiple years since she's watched anything like that.] Or we could just find something goofy.
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[ another pause. ] Oh right. I was going for an ice pack. Want anything?
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[because she definitely hadn't forgotten that. it was going to be stuck in her head for a while, the part where Jen basically admitted she wanted to see her nude.]
Otherwise I'm good. Let's just look for the crappiest thing we can find and make fun of it. That's, like, a friend thing, right?
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Okay, I'll get the goods, you go get the couch warmed up! [ good luck finding the remote though. just as Jen will need some luck to balance the tub of ice cream, an ice pack for her arm, and two spoons. ]
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[and of course, she had no earthly clue where the remote was and she was even the one who last cleaned this place, she was pretty sure. ugh. okay, off went the couch cushions to start digging and—oh, hey! she let out a surprised gasp and pulled out, along with the remote, a black tank top that had gotten lodged pretty deep inside the couch.]
Hey, I thought I left this in the break room! [she draped it over the back of the couch and made quick work of reassembling things, this time leaving the remote in plain sight for both of them. it would never get lost again. probably.]
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I wonder how it got there.
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[she'd let Jen put the rest of those pieces together herself as she started rearranging the stuff on the table to make it look damn near like they were civilized human beings about to eat ice cream together. they were gonna do the breakup special with this eating right out of the tub, huh? all right, sure, wasn't anything Lina was a stranger to.]
I might do that more often now. [anyway, she'd give Jen some help putting these pieces together.] Looking forward to not feeling like I gotta hide from you anymore.
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after a hiss through clenched teeth, she sighed and simply melted into the cushions. ] Mmn, good. And I'll make more time to just... be present.
[ Jen rolled her head side to side again. ] That guest gym pass offer's still on the table, by the way. Exercise is good for the soul. And, uh, some of the regulars are your type. Juuuust saying.
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[yeah, she super was not about to force Jen to change at all. she sort of doubted it was possible? but maybe that was just her having a really poor understanding of Jen as a person.]
I could always try, I guess. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to get muscles. [she sounded... mm. not super confident about it.] Is there, like. A beginner area?
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