She was the one doing that whole text adventure thing on the app last week, you know?
[she'd wait to drop Natalia's name, of course, because Lina knew how to tell stories.]
She had me chase her self-insert down a rabbit hole and asked me a bunch of questions about myself. Like what my favorite drink is and some other—[mm. she hadn't thought about having to talk about that. she cut herself off, trying very hard not to look as embarrassed as she felt.]—stuff like that. You know.
[ at the first part, Jen shook her head. she hadn't seen it but now she'll have to try to go back and look. ]
Other "stuff", huh? [ one can hear the airquotes. and the rampant curiosity. Lina is talking more about herself, which is good and new and refreshing. ]
Wow! No. Not unless you're trying to just get under their skin or really embarrass them in public anyway. [ a huff of her own to go with it. hurray for the sanctity of virginity? yeesh. ]
Any other clues in there? I mean, that's fifty-fifty so there has to be more.
I mean, remember that night I came back plastered a few weeks ago? I ran into her on the way back from Big Bang and had some drinks with her.
[stole. she stole the drinks. nobody else was around and the city was basically a white void. nobody was there to stop her, and she still had some of the rum in her room.]
[ Jen giggled, almost proud to hear this. it may not be her idea of fun but... she has memories of going out to enjoy free drinks, too. something wholly unlike her. so Jen can't exactly talk. ]
[it didn't really match with everything else about Lina, but she knew that, honestly. it was a character flaw. or maybe she'd just been really depressed and couldn't turn down getting drunk and forgetting things for a while.]
Pretty fun. I don't remember a lot about it, but I know it happened, and... you really don't invite a girl out for drinks if you're not interested in her. Right? [right? that was an actual question. she didn't know why she was talking like she knew things.]
She's pretty cute. She's, uh. [and she gave a subtle glance down at her own chest.] My type.
Again, not unless she was going to leave you to make a fool out of yourself. But it sounds like that didn't happen — I mean, if it did, the network probably would have seen evidence of it by now, especially if it was something you forgot.
[ though that raises a point of concern. ladies have to look out for each other, after all. ] You don't think she... tried anything on you, do you?
[mm. Lina's playfulness left her tone for a moment as she considered it. definitely the right sort of question to ask, though.]
I don't think so. We were watching each other make the drinks the entire time, and I had way more on my own after she went home. Don't worry, if she'd actually tried something, I'd be in jail for assault right now.
[that was an awfully casual way to bring it up. she didn't work out at all, she wasn't very buff, but she had a very, very sharp set of brass knuckles that masqueraded as a cat keychain.]
[all this talking! it was good for them, probably. definitely good for Lina. she was kind of amazed at herself, and ended up pushing off the wall to keep line of sight with her roommate.]
You're kidding, right? Did you miss the part where she made all those moves and I just went along with it? I can't ask Natalia out. She's way out of my league.
[hm. well. she kind of knew what that meant. and it made things easier on Lina's end, but it also kind of... mm. she didn't like it. but she only had herself to blame, and she had to play it off like she wasn't the slightest bit hurt by how Jen reacted to that. she tried very... very hard to sound like she was joking.]
— but she did reply to my network post today, and we're going bowling. [ Jen ought to have kept her mouth shut, but she was going to bring up the trip anyway and Lina would have seen things then. best to be up-front about it to cut off the possibility of giving any false expectations. (like she hasn't just done that?) ]
But, listen, it's not a date! She is going along with a bunch of us on a road trip and she kept making it sound like she would be a bother because she didn't know me, and it's my birthday. So... I invited her bowling.
[ bowling isn't really a "date" activity is it? in 2018? ]
[Lina appreciated it and all, but it was really easy for her mind to wander. and if Jen ended up... ugh. Lina shook her head and tried not to be outright bothered by it. but, well, she was really bad at that.]
I can't blame her if she likes you more, I guess. Even if bowling is one of the least romantic things you can do with a person. [Jen would find a way. she leaned against the wall again, but this time tried to avoid eye contact.]
Bullshit. [ Jen swearing is a once-in-a-blue-moon occurrence. it's so instant, succinct, one might think she practices it in front of a mirror before unleashing it at just the right moment.
or it's a little of that "other" coming through. with her piercing gaze and jaw clenched tight.
that went beyond Lina just exaggerating her own shortcomings or using superlative language to describe everything negatively. that was what Jen saw as straight up lying. to her and to Lina both. ]
After all of what you just told me, I don't buy that for a second.
[that definitely made Lina's eyes widen—she'd fucked up. or been seen through immediately, not that it was very difficult because she was just. so transparent. and okay, fine, she didn't want to turn this into a fight, but she didn't know how to admit she'd been called out gracefully. her words weren't necessarily harsh or angry, but the tone behind them wasn't helping.]
Fine. Yeah. I want to try to date her but I want to do it on my own terms, and maybe I've just been hoping this whole time that she won't find somebody who's... easier to be around than I am. [wow that doesn't sound great, even if she doesn't mean it as, like, gross and manipulative.]
Or maybe she already has and she's just fucking with me. I don't know.
[ Jen took a deep breath and slowly let it out from her nose. easy. calm. the point was made so there's no need to do anything more with that brief spark of anger. tamp it down, put it away, it was enough.
though there's still some resentment there. Jen took it almost as an accusation. after the work she's put in so far into trying to actually form a meaningful bond here, it would be the absolute worst to have unwarranted jealousy tear all that to shreds. ]
I'm sorry if I put it into your head that she could be that kind of person. I'd take that... seed of an idea back if I could. I don't know her. Like, at all. But I'll say one thing I do know for sure — how you look at her is the most important thing in the world.
[ that tone of hers sure took a nosedive for the melancholy. ] She'll know. We always know.
I don't really know what kind of person she is. That's the problem.
[Lina might as well have continued being honest, and this was the kind of thing that, if she could afford therapy, she'd be talking to a therapist about. but instead, it was Jen. sorry.]
She flirts with me and she's cute. [her eyes focused on some nondescript spot on the floor.] And when you spend every day feeling like a drain on everybody you talk to, it's easy to give yourself ideas as soon as somebody shows even a little interest in you. I put my own ideas into my own dumbass head about what she's like.
[that was. also a lie, but not as complete of one, and really Lina was aware enough of her own bullshit at this point that she knew when she was back on it.]
[ Jen did kind of bring this on herself. she's starting to see this wouldn't be an issue that she'd be able to make headway on with one blind date and a few quick tips. Lina wasn't... a lost cause. she was just lost.
and it sure would be nice if Jen would stop projecting so much. or rather, Lina didn't say things that were so relateable where she could stop falling into the trap herself. there's no blame here. ]
I know what that's like. [ another deep breath. a roll of her shoulders. mmph. ] Keep trying. It gets ... easier. [ not "better". easier. biiig distinction. ]
[ Jen sets her glass down and grips at the bicep of her mechanical arm. with a grunt through grit teeth and a quiet, but sudden click inside, she removed it and set it down on the table. she took a few deep, shallow breaths. it didn't hurt, in the traditional sense, but her body always seemed to protest the arm coming off or going on. ]
[Lina was used to the sight, but not as used to it as she would've liked by now. still, she had the good sense not to pull a face, even if she had to look away as Jen actually removed her prosthesis. she stayed silent for a moment after, then looked up at her roommate again.]
I know I'm... how I am, but if I actually wanted to stop trying, I would've by now.
[that... she didn't have to explain that. hopefully. the anger that had led her into this part conversation seemed to have burned away entirely; she just sounded tired. serious and sincere, but tired. this was actually some therapy shit, and she definitely wasn't just talking about Natalia anymore.]
I don't know if it's because I have something to prove or what. Maybe I'm just a coward. But I'm not going to give up like that.
[ it's almost exclusively for that reason that Jen never removes it in front of people unless it's in a medical, professional, or extremely intimate context. the look. there's always, always a look.
at some point it stopped being personal, but it still had a sting to it. more than the sting of dulled nerves and aching muscles.
the physical pain doesn't compare to the mental pain, but honestly? it's not a contest you want either side to win. ]
Lina... [ Jen didn't have to ask what she meant with that. she just... needed a moment to process the statement because, well. it is the kind of thing that one has to tiptoe around, right? one push too far, one misstep, and it could be too late to take anything back.
she set her arm down on the table and stepped away from it.
it's the span of two short breaths. a few heartbeats. but it's all it takes for Jen to cross over right into Lina's personal space, hand resting upon her roommate's shoulder. she has no words for this, and she doesn't know if her eyes can convey support, commiseration, or simply pity.
she is kind of hoping that pulling Lina in for a hug will accomplish something, though. ]
[before Lina was even finished reconciling the fact that she'd just admitted one of the things she played closest to her chest to her roommate, to Jen, to somebody she'd had one real conversation with and had found herself in a complete emotional whirlwind the entire time, Jen was there, in her personal space. hugging her.]
[she hesitated at first, her hands hovering at Jen's sides for a moment. and, deciding that she'd already said enough and rebuking her now was only going to create more problems later, she let herself hug Jen back. and immediately tried not to think of how good it felt to. hug somebody. just to have another person there, even if 24 hours ago it was a person that Lina was certain she'd hated with her entire soul.]
Thanks. [she spoke over Jen's shoulder and didn't seem exactly ready to let go, but Jen was the one in control of that.] I know that was weird to bring up right now.
[ Jen felt that hesitation. she didn't blame Lina for it. if things were reversed and Lina had reached out like that she might not have reacted much differently. for maybe the second time of the things they've spoken, they've found something else in common.
it's unfortunate. but it's there. she won't ignore it. ]
No. [ her voice is soft. careful. ] It's good that you told me. I know I'll have to be careful about some... things I say. So we don't spiral off each other. [ Jen took a deep breath and sighed with a faint shudder. ] That's what they taught me.
[wait. Lina took another moment to process that, then held Jen just a little more tightly. maybe it was because she was being greedy. hell, that's all it was. she wanted to comfort her roommate, sure, because no matter how badly they got along... ha. kind of seemed dumb right now.]
[but she didn't want to stop.]
You too? [Lina didn't understand how, but... maybe she should've. maybe she should've thought about what losing a limb would do to somebody's mental state. or maybe she was just making a bunch of assumptions, jumping to conclusions, filling in blanks when she didn't have enough information yet. same as always.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[she'd wait to drop Natalia's name, of course, because Lina knew how to tell stories.]
She had me chase her self-insert down a rabbit hole and asked me a bunch of questions about myself. Like what my favorite drink is and some other—[mm. she hadn't thought about having to talk about that. she cut herself off, trying very hard not to look as embarrassed as she felt.]—stuff like that. You know.
no subject
Other "stuff", huh? [ one can hear the airquotes. and the rampant curiosity. Lina is talking more about herself, which is good and new and refreshing. ]
no subject
When my first time was. Not exactly the kind of shit you ask people you're not interested in.
no subject
Any other clues in there? I mean, that's fifty-fifty so there has to be more.
no subject
[stole. she stole the drinks. nobody else was around and the city was basically a white void. nobody was there to stop her, and she still had some of the rum in her room.]
It was her idea.
no subject
[ Jen giggled, almost proud to hear this. it may not be her idea of fun but... she has memories of going out to enjoy free drinks, too. something wholly unlike her. so Jen can't exactly talk. ]
Was it fun?
no subject
Pretty fun. I don't remember a lot about it, but I know it happened, and... you really don't invite a girl out for drinks if you're not interested in her. Right? [right? that was an actual question. she didn't know why she was talking like she knew things.]
She's pretty cute. She's, uh. [and she gave a subtle glance down at her own chest.] My type.
no subject
Again, not unless she was going to leave you to make a fool out of yourself. But it sounds like that didn't happen — I mean, if it did, the network probably would have seen evidence of it by now, especially if it was something you forgot.
[ though that raises a point of concern. ladies have to look out for each other, after all. ] You don't think she... tried anything on you, do you?
no subject
I don't think so. We were watching each other make the drinks the entire time, and I had way more on my own after she went home. Don't worry, if she'd actually tried something, I'd be in jail for assault right now.
[that was an awfully casual way to bring it up. she didn't work out at all, she wasn't very buff, but she had a very, very sharp set of brass knuckles that masqueraded as a cat keychain.]
no subject
I'm glad to hear it. Though now I'm wondering... have you asked her out yet? Now that things are back to normal in the city.
no subject
You're kidding, right? Did you miss the part where she made all those moves and I just went along with it? I can't ask Natalia out. She's way out of my league.
no subject
Oh. [ sip. ] Oops.
no subject
Already dating her?
no subject
— but she did reply to my network post today, and we're going bowling. [ Jen ought to have kept her mouth shut, but she was going to bring up the trip anyway and Lina would have seen things then. best to be up-front about it to cut off the possibility of giving any false expectations. (like she hasn't just done that?) ]
But, listen, it's not a date! She is going along with a bunch of us on a road trip and she kept making it sound like she would be a bother because she didn't know me, and it's my birthday. So... I invited her bowling.
[ bowling isn't really a "date" activity is it? in 2018? ]
no subject
I can't blame her if she likes you more, I guess. Even if bowling is one of the least romantic things you can do with a person. [Jen would find a way. she leaned against the wall again, but this time tried to avoid eye contact.]
It's fine. I'm not even that interested in her.
no subject
or it's a little of that "other" coming through. with her piercing gaze and jaw clenched tight.
that went beyond Lina just exaggerating her own shortcomings or using superlative language to describe everything negatively. that was what Jen saw as straight up lying. to her and to Lina both. ]
After all of what you just told me, I don't buy that for a second.
no subject
Fine. Yeah. I want to try to date her but I want to do it on my own terms, and maybe I've just been hoping this whole time that she won't find somebody who's... easier to be around than I am. [wow that doesn't sound great, even if she doesn't mean it as, like, gross and manipulative.]
Or maybe she already has and she's just fucking with me. I don't know.
no subject
though there's still some resentment there. Jen took it almost as an accusation. after the work she's put in so far into trying to actually form a meaningful bond here, it would be the absolute worst to have unwarranted jealousy tear all that to shreds. ]
I'm sorry if I put it into your head that she could be that kind of person. I'd take that... seed of an idea back if I could. I don't know her. Like, at all. But I'll say one thing I do know for sure — how you look at her is the most important thing in the world.
[ that tone of hers sure took a nosedive for the melancholy. ] She'll know. We always know.
no subject
[Lina might as well have continued being honest, and this was the kind of thing that, if she could afford therapy, she'd be talking to a therapist about. but instead, it was Jen. sorry.]
She flirts with me and she's cute. [her eyes focused on some nondescript spot on the floor.] And when you spend every day feeling like a drain on everybody you talk to, it's easy to give yourself ideas as soon as somebody shows even a little interest in you. I put my own ideas into my own dumbass head about what she's like.
[that was. also a lie, but not as complete of one, and really Lina was aware enough of her own bullshit at this point that she knew when she was back on it.]
I still want to try.
no subject
and it sure would be nice if Jen would stop projecting so much. or rather, Lina didn't say things that were so relateable where she could stop falling into the trap herself. there's no blame here. ]
I know what that's like. [ another deep breath. a roll of her shoulders. mmph. ] Keep trying. It gets ... easier. [ not "better". easier. biiig distinction. ]
[ Jen sets her glass down and grips at the bicep of her mechanical arm. with a grunt through grit teeth and a quiet, but sudden click inside, she removed it and set it down on the table. she took a few deep, shallow breaths. it didn't hurt, in the traditional sense, but her body always seemed to protest the arm coming off or going on. ]
no subject
I know I'm... how I am, but if I actually wanted to stop trying, I would've by now.
[that... she didn't have to explain that. hopefully. the anger that had led her into this part conversation seemed to have burned away entirely; she just sounded tired. serious and sincere, but tired. this was actually some therapy shit, and she definitely wasn't just talking about Natalia anymore.]
I don't know if it's because I have something to prove or what. Maybe I'm just a coward. But I'm not going to give up like that.
no subject
at some point it stopped being personal, but it still had a sting to it. more than the sting of dulled nerves and aching muscles.
the physical pain doesn't compare to the mental pain, but honestly? it's not a contest you want either side to win. ]
Lina... [ Jen didn't have to ask what she meant with that. she just... needed a moment to process the statement because, well. it is the kind of thing that one has to tiptoe around, right? one push too far, one misstep, and it could be too late to take anything back.
she set her arm down on the table and stepped away from it.
it's the span of two short breaths. a few heartbeats. but it's all it takes for Jen to cross over right into Lina's personal space, hand resting upon her roommate's shoulder. she has no words for this, and she doesn't know if her eyes can convey support, commiseration, or simply pity.
she is kind of hoping that pulling Lina in for a hug will accomplish something, though. ]
no subject
[she hesitated at first, her hands hovering at Jen's sides for a moment. and, deciding that she'd already said enough and rebuking her now was only going to create more problems later, she let herself hug Jen back. and immediately tried not to think of how good it felt to. hug somebody. just to have another person there, even if 24 hours ago it was a person that Lina was certain she'd hated with her entire soul.]
Thanks. [she spoke over Jen's shoulder and didn't seem exactly ready to let go, but Jen was the one in control of that.] I know that was weird to bring up right now.
no subject
it's unfortunate. but it's there. she won't ignore it. ]
No. [ her voice is soft. careful. ] It's good that you told me. I know I'll have to be careful about some... things I say. So we don't spiral off each other. [ Jen took a deep breath and sighed with a faint shudder. ] That's what they taught me.
no subject
[but she didn't want to stop.]
You too? [Lina didn't understand how, but... maybe she should've. maybe she should've thought about what losing a limb would do to somebody's mental state. or maybe she was just making a bunch of assumptions, jumping to conclusions, filling in blanks when she didn't have enough information yet. same as always.]
I really thought you didn't have any problems.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)