...and maybe that, too. But mostly it was the confidence. [ Jen turned around and no she didn't have a faint color to her cheeks that must be Lina's imagination. ] That's something you can use to your advantage even if you don't have cash to blow on the superficial stuff. Money can buy you cute clothes, makeovers, and drinks, but at the end of the day money can't buy you confidence.
[so it was a lesson, not a test. either way it was better than the answer of "because you're gay" that Lina had been half-expecting. she leaned forward, elbows on the table.]
I have tons of confidence. I've just never used it for the same stuff you use it for.
Being confident about your own flaws, you mean? [ that isn't meant to sound malicious but, again, look at their talks before this week. ] That doesn't count.
[and a little more theatrically, Lina rolled her eyes and hung her head, stopping just short of faceplanting into her plate.]
Look, I get it, okay? I'm a fucking piece of shit and I'll never be able to date anybody because I'm spending too much time feeling sorry for myself. Is that what you're trying to fix?
See? There you go again! Putting words in my mouth. [ this time, Jen sounds irate about it too. she is trying to tamp some of that harness down but it's hard when communication can break down so quickly. ]
What I'm saying is you need the right kind of confidence. To turn things around. Make it work for you, and not against you.
[Lina almost rose to it this time. almost. but she felt enough like shit being talked to like this, enough like she just literally ruined a pleasant evening by being negative again, that she sat there and took it instead. her back straightened when Jen was done, and she looked her roommate square in the eyes while drawing her hands back into her lap.]
Fine. [mm. terse. cool. good start.] How do I get experience.
[ that's... better? Jen expected more push-back, but it could be Lina is just making an attempt at humoring her. either way, Jen is not doing either of them a favor by being so aggressive-supportive.
Jen closes her eyes and takes a deep, calming breath. right. okay.
she picks up her plate and silverware and makes her way over to the sink. ] Practice! For example, that date I set you up on. I... may have set you up with someone who was more my type, now that I'm being honest about things.
[yeah, yeah, okay, time for Lina to stop being lazy and join Jen in clearing off the table. maybe she can get out some of this energy by walking around the apartment a little bit, just so it doesn't explode all over her roommate.]
What, really? I never would've been able to tell. [sarcasm is like anger lite. but Lina does have to pepper in some sincerity in an effort to salvage this conversation from nearly careening off the rails a moment ago.]
She was nice, though. You have good taste. [she places her dishes in the sink to deal with once they're done talking.] Maybe if you want to keep setting me up, you should grill me a little.
Maybe so. [ Jen moves aside to let Lina by, leaning against the counter now. ]
See, the thing about that is. What you said about types? Sometimes that's not enough either. [ she purses her lips, trying to find a good way to relay advice about something that, honestly, she has limited experience in herself and mostly only with boys in the past. not that those worked out that well for long-term relationships either. ] Ali. — Alison and I we, uh, hooked up a long time ago.
It was fun, I'll admit, but it wouldn't have worked out. [ Jen rolled her head back and forth, flexing her shoulders, which were still a little stiff. ]
[well, that might be a story, but maybe they should get, like, wasted or something and talk about it at some point. maybe that was the kind of story that actual friends shared when they were drunk together. not that she'd know what that was like in person.]
So what's your pedigree like, anyway? [weird way to phrase it. thanks, Lina. she tilted her head slightly after that, though, noticing the difficulties Jen seemed to be having.] You feeling okay?
[ Jen's face lit up in realization. duh! that made sense. but yes, it was an odd way to put it. ] Ahh. That one was a freebie because I thought it was fair to let you know. Other than that, and the one ex I mentioned before... eh. [ she shrugged a shoulder. ]
I couldn't really spend a lot of time with the others because I was always focused on sports, or studies. [ she rubbed at her neck. either she's tense, a VERY bad liar, or both. Jen can't exactly call what happened with Vera as part of the experience. even if they did meet up at several parties. she invited herself over to her house a few times. things got heated one. they danced...
then there's Kara. that's staying on the down-low as best as she can possibly manage it. ] No one really makes for a good example.
I mean, I could tell you about a girl that's definitely been flirting with me for a while if you want.
[she kind of figured that there was more going on than Jen wanted to say, but mentioning that Alison was some sort of "freebie" made this seem a lot more... transactional of a conversation. or maybe Lina just wanted to talk about herself for once, which was probably an improvement from barely talking at all. she leaned up against the wall of the kitchen and crossed her arms over her chest casually, definitely not trying to accentuate anything about herself.]
She was the one doing that whole text adventure thing on the app last week, you know?
[she'd wait to drop Natalia's name, of course, because Lina knew how to tell stories.]
She had me chase her self-insert down a rabbit hole and asked me a bunch of questions about myself. Like what my favorite drink is and some other—[mm. she hadn't thought about having to talk about that. she cut herself off, trying very hard not to look as embarrassed as she felt.]—stuff like that. You know.
[ at the first part, Jen shook her head. she hadn't seen it but now she'll have to try to go back and look. ]
Other "stuff", huh? [ one can hear the airquotes. and the rampant curiosity. Lina is talking more about herself, which is good and new and refreshing. ]
Wow! No. Not unless you're trying to just get under their skin or really embarrass them in public anyway. [ a huff of her own to go with it. hurray for the sanctity of virginity? yeesh. ]
Any other clues in there? I mean, that's fifty-fifty so there has to be more.
I mean, remember that night I came back plastered a few weeks ago? I ran into her on the way back from Big Bang and had some drinks with her.
[stole. she stole the drinks. nobody else was around and the city was basically a white void. nobody was there to stop her, and she still had some of the rum in her room.]
[ Jen giggled, almost proud to hear this. it may not be her idea of fun but... she has memories of going out to enjoy free drinks, too. something wholly unlike her. so Jen can't exactly talk. ]
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[ she put the glass down and trailed her finger over the rim of it. ] I knew you'd probably do it for me anyway. You want to know why?
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[look, just because Jen was right didn't mean Lina had to like it.]
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...and maybe that, too. But mostly it was the confidence. [ Jen turned around and no she didn't have a faint color to her cheeks that must be Lina's imagination. ] That's something you can use to your advantage even if you don't have cash to blow on the superficial stuff. Money can buy you cute clothes, makeovers, and drinks, but at the end of the day money can't buy you confidence.
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I have tons of confidence. I've just never used it for the same stuff you use it for.
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That's not all. [but she didn't have much else by way of protest.] Sometimes I get into internet arguments too.
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this look
forever ]
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Look, I get it, okay? I'm a fucking piece of shit and I'll never be able to date anybody because I'm spending too much time feeling sorry for myself. Is that what you're trying to fix?
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What I'm saying is you need the right kind of confidence. To turn things around. Make it work for you, and not against you.
That comes from experience. And effort.
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Fine. [mm. terse. cool. good start.] How do I get experience.
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Jen closes her eyes and takes a deep, calming breath. right. okay.
she picks up her plate and silverware and makes her way over to the sink. ] Practice! For example, that date I set you up on. I... may have set you up with someone who was more my type, now that I'm being honest about things.
[ you THINK, Jen? ]
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What, really? I never would've been able to tell. [sarcasm is like anger lite. but Lina does have to pepper in some sincerity in an effort to salvage this conversation from nearly careening off the rails a moment ago.]
She was nice, though. You have good taste. [she places her dishes in the sink to deal with once they're done talking.] Maybe if you want to keep setting me up, you should grill me a little.
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See, the thing about that is. What you said about types? Sometimes that's not enough either. [ she purses her lips, trying to find a good way to relay advice about something that, honestly, she has limited experience in herself and mostly only with boys in the past. not that those worked out that well for long-term relationships either. ] Ali. — Alison and I we, uh, hooked up a long time ago.
It was fun, I'll admit, but it wouldn't have worked out. [ Jen rolled her head back and forth, flexing her shoulders, which were still a little stiff. ]
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[well, that might be a story, but maybe they should get, like, wasted or something and talk about it at some point. maybe that was the kind of story that actual friends shared when they were drunk together. not that she'd know what that was like in person.]
So what's your pedigree like, anyway? [weird way to phrase it. thanks, Lina. she tilted her head slightly after that, though, noticing the difficulties Jen seemed to be having.] You feeling okay?
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Oh, mm. I'm fine. What did you mean by "pedigree"?
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You know, who have you dated?
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I couldn't really spend a lot of time with the others because I was always focused on sports, or studies. [ she rubbed at her neck. either she's tense, a VERY bad liar, or both. Jen can't exactly call what happened with Vera as part of the experience. even if they did meet up at several parties. she invited herself over to her house a few times. things got heated one. they danced...
then there's Kara. that's staying on the down-low as best as she can possibly manage it. ] No one really makes for a good example.
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[she kind of figured that there was more going on than Jen wanted to say, but mentioning that Alison was some sort of "freebie" made this seem a lot more... transactional of a conversation. or maybe Lina just wanted to talk about herself for once, which was probably an improvement from barely talking at all. she leaned up against the wall of the kitchen and crossed her arms over her chest casually, definitely not trying to accentuate anything about herself.]
It's kind of cute. She thinks she's being subtle.
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[ it's not gossip, it's... tutelage! yeah, that's right. ]
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[she'd wait to drop Natalia's name, of course, because Lina knew how to tell stories.]
She had me chase her self-insert down a rabbit hole and asked me a bunch of questions about myself. Like what my favorite drink is and some other—[mm. she hadn't thought about having to talk about that. she cut herself off, trying very hard not to look as embarrassed as she felt.]—stuff like that. You know.
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Other "stuff", huh? [ one can hear the airquotes. and the rampant curiosity. Lina is talking more about herself, which is good and new and refreshing. ]
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When my first time was. Not exactly the kind of shit you ask people you're not interested in.
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Any other clues in there? I mean, that's fifty-fifty so there has to be more.
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[stole. she stole the drinks. nobody else was around and the city was basically a white void. nobody was there to stop her, and she still had some of the rum in her room.]
It was her idea.
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[ Jen giggled, almost proud to hear this. it may not be her idea of fun but... she has memories of going out to enjoy free drinks, too. something wholly unlike her. so Jen can't exactly talk. ]
Was it fun?
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