Just this?? [ the words leave Jen with a force like a punch. she was so wound up that if she hadn't been in the middle of "this" she might have done something stupid. like lash out, physically.
the tremors subside some but if there's one thing she's not relaxing with it's her expression. Jen's face is stuck in something between a grimace, holding back another outburst - or a scream, and making sure she keeps her eyes very, very firmly shut.
she has to tell herself, over and over again. it isn't real. it doesn't have to mean anything. it's just Them trying to scare you. whatever it is cannot hurt her. Lina is here. she's warm, she's worried, and she won't do anything bad.
great. now thanks to that outburst she has to start over with the calming breathing. in. out. easy does it. ] F... Fucking hell...
[okay, shit, Lina winces almost as soon as the words come out and it really does, for a second, feel like she's been punched, but that's almost entirely because of her own dumbass comment and how she can't actually figure out how to be comforting a lot of the time. but. it's fine. it passes. sort of.]
[disappointed in herself, she puffs air out through her nose. running her fingers through Jen's hair seems like a really bad idea, so she just keeps her hand where it is and hovers around the cusp of coming in for a hug—then decides against it. maybe if she thinks about this more, she can get Jen to calm down, to stop looking like she's in pain, to open her eyes and actually see how concerned Lina is about her.]
It's okay. I'm here. Just... breathe, okay? Talk to me if you want. [the more Jen talks, the less Lina has to worry about doing it.] I'm not going away until you're okay.
[ in probably the first visibly self-deprecating moment that Lina's witnessed, Jen thumps her head back against the glass behind her and lets out a hollow, humorously puff of laughter. ] Hah. Then you're ... going to be here ... a while.
[ okay. the deep breaths are only helping so much, and Lina is trying to help, and Jen would love to stop being a jerk about the latter but. shit. this is why she has been lucky so far to not have any episodes with anyone around. not in a very, very long time.
she mashes her hand against her eyes, wiping away at grime or tears or who knows what. Jen wasn't crying, and still isn't, but she's just. they bother her. they feel... foreign.
the worst thing is that all of this has happened once before, she feels, but that vague memory is not to helpful right now. ]
[Lina almost says something about how she doesn't mind and she'll stay here as long as it takes, but then it looks like Jen is starting to recover a little and she keeps her mouth shut. Lina glances over her shoulder at the mirror on the medicine cabinet and... okay, yeah, at least that's intact, but it won't be doing her much good here.]
[Lina doesn't really care enough to know whether Jen has, like, a hand mirror or even a compact or something, but this is 2018 and she has technology on her side. her hand goes to the pocket of her shorts—then her face falls. right.]
The mirror looks fine. Let me get my phone, okay? You can look at yourself in the camera. [because she isn't about to waste time, like, asking what Jen actually wants or anything. she takes a moment, but if Jen doesn't stop her, she'll be pushing to her feet.] I'll be right back, okay?
[ at the offer, Jen's hand shoots out to grab onto Lina's shoulder or sleeve or something. she only vaguely follows the sound of her friend's voice and the feeling of her hand from before to gauge her position, and it's only after reaching out that she actually opens her eyes.
her very real, very violet. eyes.
eyes that were blue up until this morning. ]
No! No - I... I don't want to. I just need to know... if it's. Broken, or if it's me.
[ one more deep breath, to recover from that. ] I mean. What... do you see?
[Lina's own brown eyes look down at Jen suddenly, and it doesn't take much of a tug to get her back down on her knees and looking closely at her roommate. and this is... Jen's handling it a lot differently than Lina would if she ever ended up with a sudden change in eye color. which is probably on its way, knowing her luck.]
[what she sees is her roommate looking downright stunning. violet is a new color, and not one that eyes come in, but it's a... distinct look. her hair as it is and her eyes so striking now. like she wasn't attractive enough already. but Lina will save that for her Twitter, later today, and instead tries to think of the right words to say. she doesn't look away. she doesn't really want to.]
Your eyes changed color.
[that's probably the simplest way of putting it. the most appropriate, for the moment.]
[ distinct, yes, and alarming. Jen squeezed her eyes shut again, and this time her metal digits came up to cover them. another piece of her that's not "her". not exactly anyway.
now she's seemed, at least from her tone, to come around to sounding resigned about the whole thing. a step down from sheer bloody panic. ] Great. Just... great.
It's not all, though. Is it. [ it isn't a question. ] God, what a freak I must look like to all the normal people. No fricking wonder they were all staring at me like I grew a second head!
[that's what makes Lina look away, but only briefly, a flicker of her gaze down between them before she's looking at her roommate's face again. and her hand moves up, from the side of Jen's arm to her shoulder, so her thumb comes to rest over her collarbone.]
You look fine to me.
[it's new, but. new things happen all the time. it doesn't change who Jen is as a person. nothing Retrospec does can do that, as far as Lina's concerned. it's just her hair and her eyes. you know, two of the most important things for anybody trying to hit it big.]
I wouldn't exactly call myself normal, but I don't think you look like a freak. [she smiles, the corners of her eyes crinkling a little but god help Jen if she calls her out on it.] I kind of like it.
[ another "pah" and a sigh. this isn't going to be something she can put into words, is it? not without sounding kooky. ] Look. I can - appreciate the compliment. But. That doesn't change the fact th-
[ she cut herself off, blinking a few times as she goes back and processes a few things. most notably something she's apparently been staring at in the face this whole time and didn't, again, bother questioning. something that just popped into her head in this instant, under these circumstances, while Lina was looking at her like that. ]
Wait, you... don't... dye your hair, do you? [ again, that isn't meant to be a question, but a statement. it clicked. ] Oh, my god.
[watching that realization dawn on Jen is honestly pretty funny, but now isn't the time for that. instead of letting out a loud, inelegant laugh, Lina lets it roll out on a sigh. had Jen just thought she was really dedicated to having blue hair?]
I don't. Retrospec gave it to me. It's like this forever now. [she doesn't sound resigned to it, but she doesn't sound especially happy about it, either. it's just a fact of her life.]
So yeah. Maybe I'm a freak, too. But I think all this looks pretty good on you.
I ... don't know why I thought otherwise. Especially after. Yeah. [ really? thinking about that? now? it's less crazy than you think. or less crazy than Jen now thinks this all is. something like that.
Jen still has to shake her head. ] It's not me, though. It's from the ... other me. Yang. [ she is about to reach up to do that thing where she pats her hair but stops short, opting to just. hell, she doesn't have an alternative nervous tick to that, so she just puts her hand back down. ] I guess Retrospec decided the outside should match the inside, or something like that. They could have at least sent me a postcard like the other stuff.
[so instead, Lina will hold her hand. that's a good alternative, right? maybe it's a little much right now, but it feels nice to do that, as far as she's concerned, and that's the important part.]
You wanna talk?
[because hey, guess what, this is a place Lina's been before. Jen saw it herself. she knows that getting these constant reminders of this other person isn't fun, and now she'll see Yang whenever she looks in the mirror, won't she?]
[ hand-holding is nice, yes. even if Jen's hair makes her look like the way she always imagined Goldilocks getting her name, or she's looking at Lina through eyes that see everything the same but not, somehow, at least the rest of her body is hers. she has seen the difference between her and Yang many times and the only thing they really have in common was...
was.... ]
I. I don't know. [ she frowned, brow furrowed. ] I think I just figured something out and it's gonna be. Rough.
[someone smoother than Lina might have taken the time to kiss Jen right about now, but she wasn't about to interrupt her like that and it doesn't seem very productive. so instead, she tries out this new "listening" thing. these memories always are rough, but if she's piecing things together, then... whatever it is, it's always going to be rougher.]
[Lina has some answers, but way more questions, about Two. and because she's a human being, she's going to try to piece things together from incomplete information. she's going to jump to conclusions and put together a narrative that makes sense no matter how depressing it is. and she thinks Jen might be doing the same.]
Do you know what you want? [her hand squeezes Jen's.] Let me help you.
[ that wouldn't have done much. nothing like a sudden existential crisis to really kill the mood. Jen let her head fall back against the glass, but more gently this time. comparatively. her eyes focused on the bright light above until she couldn't take the glare anymore. ]
Nmn. Not in here. [ Jen was feeling less tense now, by miles, but didn't trust her body not to betray her at this point. she raised her arm up behind her to grab the lip of the shower and tightened her grip on Lina fingers with the other. ] Help me up?
[Lina gets out of her kneel and pulls up on Jen's arm to help her into a standing position, and even something like that seems like it would've been inconceivable a month ago. they've come pretty far, she thinks.]
Careful. I'll clean the bathroom up later, okay? [the towel rack is going to be... a problem. but she's not going to mention it right now.] You want me to make you something?
[all she knows she's good at is cooking, so of course that's going to be what she jumps to, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense right now. please just put up with her, Jen, she's... trying. she hopes her roommate can tell.]
[ Jen isn't even thinking about the collateral damage. it cannot be helped, though the broken glass may explain where some of Jen's drinkware has gone off to. these are problems money can easily solve. the landlord doesn't need to know. ]
Thanks, but... I'm not sure I could eat right now. [ or keep it down, more like. but she's drained and thirsty and as much as she would like to ignore her body right know she's too conditioned to let things go. ]
I could use my bottle. It's in my bag. [ good ol' Gatorade. and, right by it, Jen has tucked in two cards with codes to redeem items from Retrospec. those she was given a choice on. not this. how fair is that? ]
[that's fair, honestly. Lina walks by the mirror and takes another glance at it to make sure nothing's wrong with it, and everything... almost everything looks like how she'd expect. but okay, look, she has to take care of Jen first. this isn't going to be great, her own eyes suddenly turning bluer than any regular person has, but at least Lina rarely makes eye contact when they aren't making out.]
[she gets the Gatorade (made from real gators) and sees the two strange cards there, and even though she knows it's pretty fucking rude to go rooting around in someone's bag without her consent, she grabs those too and heads out to the couch. handing off the bottle with one hand, she fans out the cards in her other and offers them, as well.]
[ first things first, Jen reaches up from her lounging posture to take the bottle and absolutely drain what was left of it in one go. her lips are going to be tinged a touch red from all that fruity food coloring, but at least she did that to herself.
when she's done and has the cap back on it, she straight up drops it from her hand onto the floor. Jen sits up rapidly, eyes wide and jaw slack, some form of the earlier panic returns to her voice. forget about the postcards. ]
Oh, no! They got you, too!
[ she cannot reach Lina's face from here, but that doesn't stop her from reaching out because... why? it's not like it would accomplish anything. ]
[yeah, given Jen's earlier reaction she should've expected something like this, but for some reason it didn't strike Lina that sudden appearance changes would freak her roommate out no matter who it was happening to. cool, cool empathy there. she shuts her eyes and sighs and lets a weary sort of smile play on her lips—directed at herself, of course.]
That was fast. I thought you wouldn't notice until the next time we got gay together. [she walks over to where Jen dropped the bottle and picks it up without saying much about it, or about the way her roommate's reaching for her face.] Guess these things really do happen whenever they feel like, huh?
[ it says a lot about just how disturbed was by all of this when she didn't so much as blink at Lina's joke. she's actually almost as shocked at that than the actual occurrence. ]
How?! [ since Lina seemingly dodged her reach, Jen's hand goes right back to clamping down tightly at the arm above her metal socket. ] You're... you're calm about this...? Don't you care that they did this to you?
[Lina lets her shoulders slump, then puts the Gatorade bottle down on the table and sits down next to Jen. not super close, but close enough for a semi-serious conversation.]
Enough stuff happens to me already that I don't even bother getting surprised about this anymore. [while Lina would love to institute a No Bummers policy for the stuff she talks about, it seems... unrealistic.] Sometimes my bank charges me for not having enough money and I overdraft and they charge me again for that. Sometimes I miss out on an entire shift because the city's gone white and I don't know where work is anymore.
[she looks at Jen and gives a resigned smile, her lips thin and only one corner turned up.] I'm just glad they match my hair now.
[ that's the kind of resignation that just makes Jen wants to ask "who hurt you?" but, in all honesty, she has really good ideas as to the answer already. they've covered that. most of it, anyway.
-and she doesn't know what to say to that. Jen lapsed from having all of the emotions about her own situation to having none when confronted with Lina's swift acceptance of her own. it's true that individuals can perceive the same circumstances in a different light. that's just part of being human. but there should be a certain level of ... cohesion? a standard that certain events elicit similar responses.
in the light of that, Jen can only hang her head and sigh. her own exposition now feels as if it would be more a burden to the both of them than any form of liberation. ] ...sorry.
[the world. her sisters. there are a lot of answers. what matters is who's healing her, and she still doesn't have a complete answer for that one. so now Lina's going to be a little speechless, tilting her head and letting that look morph into a frown.]
Why are you apologizing? We're different people, Jen. [that's kind of been the foundation of their entire... everything together.] We're allowed to have different reactions to things.
[she puts a hand on Jen's leg.]
I don't really give a shit what happens to my body, but you know how bad the memories get me.
[ she doesn't shy away from the touch but she also doesn't seem to react to it. the world around her seems so far away from her internal struggle, which in turn is removed from what Lina was going through. only in bringing up the memories - and subsequently reminding Jen of the dreams - does her focus return to the present. the external. ]
I know, Lina. I know. But - that's what scares me. [ give her two seconds to breathe, yet again, and she'll find her footing amidst her tangled thoughts. ] That they can just do this to us, physically. Change us. It's somehow worse than just showing us things.
[ she thinks to how Vera is so resistant to acknowledge the possibilities of alternate versions of themselves. how Lucy was seemingly vague and distant from her "past". how May's dream splintered off into two seemingly different realities where everyone else's has been singular... ]
They can put thoughts in our head, but we get to decide what to make of it. [ Jen turned her head to point up at her eyes with her left hand. ] We don't get to decide if this is real.
[ then, she raises her right hand and clenches the fingers into a tight fist. ] I don't get to decide what this means.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
the tremors subside some but if there's one thing she's not relaxing with it's her expression. Jen's face is stuck in something between a grimace, holding back another outburst - or a scream, and making sure she keeps her eyes very, very firmly shut.
she has to tell herself, over and over again. it isn't real. it doesn't have to mean anything. it's just Them trying to scare you. whatever it is cannot hurt her. Lina is here. she's warm, she's worried, and she won't do anything bad.
great. now thanks to that outburst she has to start over with the calming breathing. in. out. easy does it. ] F... Fucking hell...
[ oh yeah. this is just swell. ]
no subject
[disappointed in herself, she puffs air out through her nose. running her fingers through Jen's hair seems like a really bad idea, so she just keeps her hand where it is and hovers around the cusp of coming in for a hug—then decides against it. maybe if she thinks about this more, she can get Jen to calm down, to stop looking like she's in pain, to open her eyes and actually see how concerned Lina is about her.]
It's okay. I'm here. Just... breathe, okay? Talk to me if you want. [the more Jen talks, the less Lina has to worry about doing it.] I'm not going away until you're okay.
no subject
[ okay. the deep breaths are only helping so much, and Lina is trying to help, and Jen would love to stop being a jerk about the latter but. shit. this is why she has been lucky so far to not have any episodes with anyone around. not in a very, very long time.
she mashes her hand against her eyes, wiping away at grime or tears or who knows what. Jen wasn't crying, and still isn't, but she's just. they bother her. they feel... foreign.
the worst thing is that all of this has happened once before, she feels, but that vague memory is not to helpful right now. ]
Is... the mirror...?
no subject
[Lina doesn't really care enough to know whether Jen has, like, a hand mirror or even a compact or something, but this is 2018 and she has technology on her side. her hand goes to the pocket of her shorts—then her face falls. right.]
The mirror looks fine. Let me get my phone, okay? You can look at yourself in the camera. [because she isn't about to waste time, like, asking what Jen actually wants or anything. she takes a moment, but if Jen doesn't stop her, she'll be pushing to her feet.] I'll be right back, okay?
no subject
her very real, very violet. eyes.
eyes that were blue up until this morning. ]
No! No - I... I don't want to. I just need to know... if it's. Broken, or if it's me.
[ one more deep breath, to recover from that. ] I mean. What... do you see?
no subject
[what she sees is her roommate looking downright stunning. violet is a new color, and not one that eyes come in, but it's a... distinct look. her hair as it is and her eyes so striking now. like she wasn't attractive enough already. but Lina will save that for her Twitter, later today, and instead tries to think of the right words to say. she doesn't look away. she doesn't really want to.]
Your eyes changed color.
[that's probably the simplest way of putting it. the most appropriate, for the moment.]
no subject
now she's seemed, at least from her tone, to come around to sounding resigned about the whole thing. a step down from sheer bloody panic. ] Great. Just... great.
It's not all, though. Is it. [ it isn't a question. ] God, what a freak I must look like to all the normal people. No fricking wonder they were all staring at me like I grew a second head!
no subject
You look fine to me.
[it's new, but. new things happen all the time. it doesn't change who Jen is as a person. nothing Retrospec does can do that, as far as Lina's concerned. it's just her hair and her eyes. you know, two of the most important things for anybody trying to hit it big.]
I wouldn't exactly call myself normal, but I don't think you look like a freak. [she smiles, the corners of her eyes crinkling a little but god help Jen if she calls her out on it.] I kind of like it.
no subject
[ she cut herself off, blinking a few times as she goes back and processes a few things. most notably something she's apparently been staring at in the face this whole time and didn't, again, bother questioning. something that just popped into her head in this instant, under these circumstances, while Lina was looking at her like that. ]
Wait, you... don't... dye your hair, do you? [ again, that isn't meant to be a question, but a statement. it clicked. ] Oh, my god.
no subject
I don't. Retrospec gave it to me. It's like this forever now. [she doesn't sound resigned to it, but she doesn't sound especially happy about it, either. it's just a fact of her life.]
So yeah. Maybe I'm a freak, too. But I think all this looks pretty good on you.
no subject
[ really? thinking about that? now? it's less crazy than you think. or less crazy than Jen now thinks this all is. something like that.
Jen still has to shake her head. ] It's not me, though. It's from the ... other me. Yang. [ she is about to reach up to do that thing where she pats her hair but stops short, opting to just. hell, she doesn't have an alternative nervous tick to that, so she just puts her hand back down. ] I guess Retrospec decided the outside should match the inside, or something like that. They could have at least sent me a postcard like the other stuff.
no subject
You wanna talk?
[because hey, guess what, this is a place Lina's been before. Jen saw it herself. she knows that getting these constant reminders of this other person isn't fun, and now she'll see Yang whenever she looks in the mirror, won't she?]
no subject
was.... ]
I. I don't know. [ she frowned, brow furrowed. ] I think I just figured something out and it's gonna be. Rough.
no subject
[Lina has some answers, but way more questions, about Two. and because she's a human being, she's going to try to piece things together from incomplete information. she's going to jump to conclusions and put together a narrative that makes sense no matter how depressing it is. and she thinks Jen might be doing the same.]
Do you know what you want? [her hand squeezes Jen's.] Let me help you.
no subject
Nmn. Not in here. [ Jen was feeling less tense now, by miles, but didn't trust her body not to betray her at this point. she raised her arm up behind her to grab the lip of the shower and tightened her grip on Lina fingers with the other. ] Help me up?
no subject
[Lina gets out of her kneel and pulls up on Jen's arm to help her into a standing position, and even something like that seems like it would've been inconceivable a month ago. they've come pretty far, she thinks.]
Careful. I'll clean the bathroom up later, okay? [the towel rack is going to be... a problem. but she's not going to mention it right now.] You want me to make you something?
[all she knows she's good at is cooking, so of course that's going to be what she jumps to, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense right now. please just put up with her, Jen, she's... trying. she hopes her roommate can tell.]
no subject
Thanks, but... I'm not sure I could eat right now. [ or keep it down, more like. but she's drained and thirsty and as much as she would like to ignore her body right know she's too conditioned to let things go. ]
I could use my bottle. It's in my bag. [ good ol' Gatorade. and, right by it, Jen has tucked in two cards with codes to redeem items from Retrospec. those she was given a choice on. not this. how fair is that? ]
I'll just. Lay down on the couch.
no subject
[that's fair, honestly. Lina walks by the mirror and takes another glance at it to make sure nothing's wrong with it, and everything... almost everything looks like how she'd expect. but okay, look, she has to take care of Jen first. this isn't going to be great, her own eyes suddenly turning bluer than any regular person has, but at least Lina rarely makes eye contact when they aren't making out.]
[she gets the Gatorade (made from real gators) and sees the two strange cards there, and even though she knows it's pretty fucking rude to go rooting around in someone's bag without her consent, she grabs those too and heads out to the couch. handing off the bottle with one hand, she fans out the cards in her other and offers them, as well.]
Are these yours, too? They look important.
[guess who's never gotten one.]
no subject
when she's done and has the cap back on it, she straight up drops it from her hand onto the floor. Jen sits up rapidly, eyes wide and jaw slack, some form of the earlier panic returns to her voice. forget about the postcards. ]
Oh, no! They got you, too!
[ she cannot reach Lina's face from here, but that doesn't stop her from reaching out because... why? it's not like it would accomplish anything. ]
no subject
That was fast. I thought you wouldn't notice until the next time we got gay together. [she walks over to where Jen dropped the bottle and picks it up without saying much about it, or about the way her roommate's reaching for her face.] Guess these things really do happen whenever they feel like, huh?
[she's being. really casual about this.]
no subject
How?! [ since Lina seemingly dodged her reach, Jen's hand goes right back to clamping down tightly at the arm above her metal socket. ] You're... you're calm about this...? Don't you care that they did this to you?
no subject
Enough stuff happens to me already that I don't even bother getting surprised about this anymore. [while Lina would love to institute a No Bummers policy for the stuff she talks about, it seems... unrealistic.] Sometimes my bank charges me for not having enough money and I overdraft and they charge me again for that. Sometimes I miss out on an entire shift because the city's gone white and I don't know where work is anymore.
[she looks at Jen and gives a resigned smile, her lips thin and only one corner turned up.] I'm just glad they match my hair now.
no subject
-and she doesn't know what to say to that. Jen lapsed from having all of the emotions about her own situation to having none when confronted with Lina's swift acceptance of her own. it's true that individuals can perceive the same circumstances in a different light. that's just part of being human. but there should be a certain level of ... cohesion? a standard that certain events elicit similar responses.
in the light of that, Jen can only hang her head and sigh. her own exposition now feels as if it would be more a burden to the both of them than any form of liberation. ] ...sorry.
no subject
Why are you apologizing? We're different people, Jen. [that's kind of been the foundation of their entire... everything together.] We're allowed to have different reactions to things.
[she puts a hand on Jen's leg.]
I don't really give a shit what happens to my body, but you know how bad the memories get me.
no subject
I know, Lina. I know. But - that's what scares me. [ give her two seconds to breathe, yet again, and she'll find her footing amidst her tangled thoughts. ] That they can just do this to us, physically. Change us. It's somehow worse than just showing us things.
[ she thinks to how Vera is so resistant to acknowledge the possibilities of alternate versions of themselves. how Lucy was seemingly vague and distant from her "past". how May's dream splintered off into two seemingly different realities where everyone else's has been singular... ]
They can put thoughts in our head, but we get to decide what to make of it. [ Jen turned her head to point up at her eyes with her left hand. ] We don't get to decide if this is real.
[ then, she raises her right hand and clenches the fingers into a tight fist. ] I don't get to decide what this means.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
don't look kiddos
AVERT THINE EYES or not we're outta here anyway
aaaand we're back
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
the last tag you're getting tonight (nottalking)
challenge accepted
you did it wtg
hey so did they
ayyyy
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)