Yeah, well. [she shrugs, looking down at her food and trying to stay, like, detached. something about what Jen just said bothers her, and since enough weird things are happening lately, she might as well bring it up.]
Is that really the only way you hear about stuff from me? When I complain about it?
Maybe not the only way but... it stands out to me. [ the truth can be hard to swallow. but, as they've both admitted, the number of lengthy conversations they've had is nearly zero and thus the sample size is too small to be conclusive. ] If we talked more, that could change.
You're just so busy all the time. Actually doing things. Being. [there's a few words she could use but she quickly settles on one that's at least a little flattering.] Productive with your life. And I'm stuck here.
[at least she cuts herself off before she says something too negative. this isn't the right time for that kind of energy when she can feel them on the precipice of some kind of breakthrough, maybe.]
Why? [ there are a number of ways to interpret the ways in which Lina is self-deprecating, and in most of those that paints them as polar opposites. that might be one underlying reason for Jen seemingly going out of her way like this.
besides, you know, wanting to keep this apartment as a nice, relaxing space away from the rigors of her life. zen and all. ]
I mean, why do you think you're stuck in here? Don't you have friends? [ she could have worded that more sensitively. oops. ]
[she gonna try to explain herself without losing her mind, because of course Jen wouldn't understand because there's no way she could understand what this is like.]
I can leave the apartment, but I can't... go to the gym, because that costs money. I can't meet girls at bars because I don't have a non-expired ID card and getting that fixed costs money. I can't take girls out on dates because it costs money and I can't bring them back here because my room looks like it belongs to some weeaboo gremlin.
[well, because it does, Lina. but she realizes her point in the middle of her ramble and goes back to pushing food around her plate without paying much attention to Jen.]
It just sucks sometimes. And then I see you and you have all your shit together.
You could always sell your wife. [ Jen only gives the briefest opportunity to object to that before her hand is already up. ] I'm kidding! I'm kidding.
[ she sighs and sinks back in her seat. Jen undoes the sash of the fluffy robe because her body was starting to warm up from that ice cold shower. she's still got a tank top and sweatpants on under. her hair's sheen is dulled thanks to the dry shampoo and she idly wonders if she'd be able to taste the food better if she could smell anything past that odor. ]
I can kind of understand where you're coming from with that. But a few of those costs can't be that high. Example being, I can get a guest in on my 24 hour gym access pass for, like, five bucks. Normal membership's ten, and the premium? Well, something tells me you won't be missing out on a tan. [ before Lina thinks that's a dig on her way of life, she adds. ] I mean, it's summer. Just go to the beach! That's practically free.
[there aren't any objections. she's considered it. more than once, really, but she... worked really hard to save up money to buy that figurine. and she wants to hang on to it. it's one of the few things she has that she's actually gotten for herself and didn't, like, need. it was an indulgence. it's more than just what's on the surface to her.]
[anyway, she's going to try her best not to stare, and fortunately she's too bummed out to be as attracted to Jen as that kind of display might usually get. Lina's in her casual clothes, a tank top with her bra straps poking out from underneath and an oversized plaid button-down hanging open, and she just. these clothes are so old. is there a way to sigh internally? she's doing that.]
I appreciate it, but that's not really the point, you know? [she finally looks up from her plate for longer than a couple seconds.] It just feels like... you're actually living and I'm just. Surviving. And it fucking sucks.
[ meanwhile, Jen has all these toys and trinkets in her life and rarely uses them. doesn't appreciate them. the only thing she hangs on to in this life with more sentimental value than cost is her dad's harmonica...
well. there's the stuff that Retrospec has given her. Jen rests her right elbow on the edge of the table with a dull thud and the doll-like joints of her hand make a faint sound as she puts her chin on it. for her part, she sounds a little tired. like they're going to be going around in circles.
you do one good thing for someone, and this is how it comes back to you in the end? that can't be right. ]
I don't know what you want me to say, Lina. I'm just trying to help.
[she's keeping her voice calm. almost resigned. she doesn't... deep down, and maybe closer to the surface than usual lately, she doesn't actually think Jen is a bad person. just. hard to be around, sometimes. which is impressive for how little they actually are around each other.]
I just thought maybe you'd... I don't know. I thought you'd want to know where I'm coming from. I wish I could be more positive, too. I don't... like being like this, Jen. [which she punctuates with a breathless kind of laugh.] I wish I could be more like you.
[ normally, a comment like that would have given Jen a swelling of the ego. isn't that one of the ideal things role models want to hear? to be looked up to for inspiration, for goals.
but this is different. ] I know I make being me look easy. I mean... I'm already me.
[ she smirked, briefly, before furrowing her brow. ] It's not easy, though. Even though ... yeah, I have help. I'll cop to that.
[ thanks, mom! ] It's still me out there, busting my butt every day and twice on Sundays. If I had to get a job flipping burgers to fund this life, I'd like to think I'd find a way to make it happen.
[it would be really, really easy for her to be her normal self here. for her to scoff and say something bitter and fake-biting about how Jen's life has to be easier because look at how much stuff she has and look at how much better off she is and look at how shitty Lina's life is in comparison!]
[but Lina swallows all that alongside a bite of her food and really thinks about it. for the first time in a while. they never use this table. they're roommates, they've been roommates, and either Lina is too antisocial to leave her room or Jen is too busy with her life to stick around very long or both. this is really, really kind of a big deal, that they're eating dinner together at all.]
You do work pretty hard. [she's looking past Jen, but at least she can see her face.] And if I didn't have anyone to cook for, I'd be eating ramen every night. I wouldn't even be able to focus on trying new recipes. I could kiss my dreams of being anything more than what I am goodbye.
[ Jen makes a face. ] Don't even joke about the ramen diet with me. Knew a guy in high school who did that, legit, and he was a twig! It didn't go good for him.
[ chew chew. least she's not talking with her mouth full. but Jen's cleaning her plate tonight, tough topics or not. ]
You could put me on your resume, couldn't you? "Private chef" or something like that. A fancy title. My mom would totally give you a good reference, and places love it when you have some experience. [ Jen speaks as if she's ever had to fill out a resume or perform an interview, ever. ]
[and Lina almost edges in a few words for herself about how the ramen diet didn't treat her so great either, but then... well, it's a good thing she's already sitting down.]
Wait, wait. You'd ask your mom to be a reference for me? [she doesn't... Lina's been nothing but a two-faced bitch at Jen since they became roommates. and here she is earnestly trying to make Lina's life better? she doesn't understand. really, she doesn't.]
[ well, fair, but that's before she learned a few things. Jen's not going to pretend that this isn't about her in the short term, but if she stood by watching Lina just basically rot away it would ultimately sit poorly within her. if they're going to be living together like this, she's got to give something back.
in the end, it would also reflect poorly on her if people went around digging into her personal history once she made it big. reporters, man. can't give them an inch. ]
Yes. [ Jen took another sip and gave Lina an odd look. ] Is that okay with you? I think it's fair. You should be getting something more out of all this than just living here rent free.
[Lina just needs a second. Jen and her mother have both been... or they're both being so, so kind to her, and it's hard for Lina to think that she actually deserves it. even just not having to pay rent would have been enough and now she's offering to do more?]
I just. Never even thought of that as an option. And even just calling me your private chef would open a lot of doors. [Lina looks back down at her plate. even half-eaten like this is, she's done... kind of a really good job with this meal, she thinks. huh.]
So is all this your way of saying that you're finally fed up with me being such a downer?
[ well, The Mom will definitely need some convincing but if Jen catches her on an already good day, then she'll go for it. come to think of it, she hasn't actually spoken to her over the phone in a while. this is a good time for it. ]
It's a lot classier than calling you my maid. [ Jen teased, with a wink and a smile. see, Lina? a smile! try it!! ]
[she says that after another bite and punctuates her sentence with a gesture from her fork.]
Maids usually have better manners than me. And those dresses are harder to come by than you'd think. [see, that's. half of that is good-natured joking. she totally knows how to smirk, which is like a smile.] Or maybe they aren't, I don't know what you're into.
[ Jen had a bite, too. her last one. she chewed on it as her face went on something of a journey, her brain deciding how she ought to respond. it seemed like a good enough opening for something she was going to share at some point tonight. ]
If I had a choice between putting you in that dress, or the chef's hat, I'd pick the dress hands down. [ she calmly put her fork down on the plate. Jen then licked at something on the corner of her lip, dabbed at it gently with her napkin, sat back, and just sort of gave Lina a look. any second now she'd break that gaze and admit she was joking.
[and that was where Lina was left, waiting for confirmation that it was all a joke that just wasn't. coming? Jen was just staring at her with a straight face, and as the words played in Lina's head a little more she was starting to get the idea that doing anything straight might have presented a unique sort of challenge for Jen. there was one way to find out. she sat up, pushing herself slightly away from her mostly-empty plate, and tried to sound cool and collected.]
[ ooh, that was a good counter-suggestion. Jen leaned forward once more, this time putting her chin on the back of her left hand. ] In that case, I'd probably ask... what's for dessert?
[ the line is delivered smooth as she could make it, complete with a little waggle of her eyebrows. ]
[she could have taken that at face value and given an actual answer—she hadn't made any, but wouldn't be opposed to splitting some of the ice cream she had in the freezer if they really wanted dessert—but she wasn't an idiot. just awkward and bad at talking and kind of an asshole.]
Nothing I thought you'd be interested in until right now.
[at least she didn't show any outward shock, because that was definitely some kind of confirmation. right? wasn't it? ...shit, maybe she should—no, she'd wait until Jen reacted.]
[Lina put forth the idea of being mostly naked in their house and Jen said she wanted to eat something. yeah, she picked up on it. this, of all things, was what brought an actual smile to Lina's face, and god she really was a self-caricature sometimes.]
Is this the kind of shit I miss out on when we just don't have dinner together? Oh my god. We should've done this months ago. I mean, like, for more reasons than finding out we both like girls, but come on.
[this was not how she expected her dinner with her roommate to go, but for some reason she just... it was a lot easier to be free with other people who were somewhere in that whole. community. like, yeah, Jen's life was pretty fucking cushy, but Lina was only able to be so open about everything because she didn't have anything left to lose. she could draw some conclusions from that.]
[except those conclusions were all depressing so she was going to jump back a little bit. this good mood wasn't gonna last forever.]
So what the hell is your type, now that you know what I like?
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Is that really the only way you hear about stuff from me? When I complain about it?
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You're just so busy all the time. Actually doing things. Being. [there's a few words she could use but she quickly settles on one that's at least a little flattering.] Productive with your life. And I'm stuck here.
[at least she cuts herself off before she says something too negative. this isn't the right time for that kind of energy when she can feel them on the precipice of some kind of breakthrough, maybe.]
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besides, you know, wanting to keep this apartment as a nice, relaxing space away from the rigors of her life. zen and all. ]
I mean, why do you think you're stuck in here? Don't you have friends? [ she could have worded that more sensitively. oops. ]
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[she gonna try to explain herself without losing her mind, because of course Jen wouldn't understand because there's no way she could understand what this is like.]
I can leave the apartment, but I can't... go to the gym, because that costs money. I can't meet girls at bars because I don't have a non-expired ID card and getting that fixed costs money. I can't take girls out on dates because it costs money and I can't bring them back here because my room looks like it belongs to some weeaboo gremlin.
[well, because it does, Lina. but she realizes her point in the middle of her ramble and goes back to pushing food around her plate without paying much attention to Jen.]
It just sucks sometimes. And then I see you and you have all your shit together.
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[ she sighs and sinks back in her seat. Jen undoes the sash of the fluffy robe because her body was starting to warm up from that ice cold shower. she's still got a tank top and sweatpants on under. her hair's sheen is dulled thanks to the dry shampoo and she idly wonders if she'd be able to taste the food better if she could smell anything past that odor. ]
I can kind of understand where you're coming from with that. But a few of those costs can't be that high. Example being, I can get a guest in on my 24 hour gym access pass for, like, five bucks. Normal membership's ten, and the premium? Well, something tells me you won't be missing out on a tan. [ before Lina thinks that's a dig on her way of life, she adds. ] I mean, it's summer. Just go to the beach! That's practically free.
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[anyway, she's going to try her best not to stare, and fortunately she's too bummed out to be as attracted to Jen as that kind of display might usually get. Lina's in her casual clothes, a tank top with her bra straps poking out from underneath and an oversized plaid button-down hanging open, and she just. these clothes are so old. is there a way to sigh internally? she's doing that.]
I appreciate it, but that's not really the point, you know? [she finally looks up from her plate for longer than a couple seconds.] It just feels like... you're actually living and I'm just. Surviving. And it fucking sucks.
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well. there's the stuff that Retrospec has given her. Jen rests her right elbow on the edge of the table with a dull thud and the doll-like joints of her hand make a faint sound as she puts her chin on it. for her part, she sounds a little tired. like they're going to be going around in circles.
you do one good thing for someone, and this is how it comes back to you in the end? that can't be right. ]
I don't know what you want me to say, Lina. I'm just trying to help.
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[she's keeping her voice calm. almost resigned. she doesn't... deep down, and maybe closer to the surface than usual lately, she doesn't actually think Jen is a bad person. just. hard to be around, sometimes. which is impressive for how little they actually are around each other.]
I just thought maybe you'd... I don't know. I thought you'd want to know where I'm coming from. I wish I could be more positive, too. I don't... like being like this, Jen. [which she punctuates with a breathless kind of laugh.] I wish I could be more like you.
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but this is different. ] I know I make being me look easy. I mean... I'm already me.
[ she smirked, briefly, before furrowing her brow. ] It's not easy, though. Even though ... yeah, I have help. I'll cop to that.
[ thanks, mom! ] It's still me out there, busting my butt every day and twice on Sundays. If I had to get a job flipping burgers to fund this life, I'd like to think I'd find a way to make it happen.
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[but Lina swallows all that alongside a bite of her food and really thinks about it. for the first time in a while. they never use this table. they're roommates, they've been roommates, and either Lina is too antisocial to leave her room or Jen is too busy with her life to stick around very long or both. this is really, really kind of a big deal, that they're eating dinner together at all.]
You do work pretty hard. [she's looking past Jen, but at least she can see her face.] And if I didn't have anyone to cook for, I'd be eating ramen every night. I wouldn't even be able to focus on trying new recipes. I could kiss my dreams of being anything more than what I am goodbye.
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[ chew chew. least she's not talking with her mouth full. but Jen's cleaning her plate tonight, tough topics or not. ]
You could put me on your resume, couldn't you? "Private chef" or something like that. A fancy title. My mom would totally give you a good reference, and places love it when you have some experience. [ Jen speaks as if she's ever had to fill out a resume or perform an interview, ever. ]
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Wait, wait. You'd ask your mom to be a reference for me? [she doesn't... Lina's been nothing but a two-faced bitch at Jen since they became roommates. and here she is earnestly trying to make Lina's life better? she doesn't understand. really, she doesn't.]
Like, you'd do something like that. For me.
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in the end, it would also reflect poorly on her if people went around digging into her personal history once she made it big. reporters, man. can't give them an inch. ]
Yes. [ Jen took another sip and gave Lina an odd look. ] Is that okay with you? I think it's fair. You should be getting something more out of all this than just living here rent free.
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[Lina just needs a second. Jen and her mother have both been... or they're both being so, so kind to her, and it's hard for Lina to think that she actually deserves it. even just not having to pay rent would have been enough and now she's offering to do more?]
I just. Never even thought of that as an option. And even just calling me your private chef would open a lot of doors. [Lina looks back down at her plate. even half-eaten like this is, she's done... kind of a really good job with this meal, she thinks. huh.]
So is all this your way of saying that you're finally fed up with me being such a downer?
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It's a lot classier than calling you my maid. [ Jen teased, with a wink and a smile. see, Lina? a smile! try it!! ]
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[she says that after another bite and punctuates her sentence with a gesture from her fork.]
Maids usually have better manners than me. And those dresses are harder to come by than you'd think. [see, that's. half of that is good-natured joking. she totally knows how to smirk, which is like a smile.] Or maybe they aren't, I don't know what you're into.
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If I had a choice between putting you in that dress, or the chef's hat, I'd pick the dress hands down. [ she calmly put her fork down on the plate. Jen then licked at something on the corner of her lip, dabbed at it gently with her napkin, sat back, and just sort of gave Lina a look. any second now she'd break that gaze and admit she was joking.
except Jen won't. ]
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So what if it were just the chef's hat?
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[ the line is delivered smooth as she could make it, complete with a little waggle of her eyebrows. ]
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Nothing I thought you'd be interested in until right now.
[at least she didn't show any outward shock, because that was definitely some kind of confirmation. right? wasn't it? ...shit, maybe she should—no, she'd wait until Jen reacted.]
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so, Lina picked up on it, did she? ]
That depends, really. [ but then she smiled and let out a little laugh. ] I could go either way.
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Is this the kind of shit I miss out on when we just don't have dinner together? Oh my god. We should've done this months ago. I mean, like, for more reasons than finding out we both like girls, but come on.
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[ too gay? dial it back, Jen. ] I mean, I knew you had to have a sense of humor in there somewhere.
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[this was not how she expected her dinner with her roommate to go, but for some reason she just... it was a lot easier to be free with other people who were somewhere in that whole. community. like, yeah, Jen's life was pretty fucking cushy, but Lina was only able to be so open about everything because she didn't have anything left to lose. she could draw some conclusions from that.]
[except those conclusions were all depressing so she was going to jump back a little bit. this good mood wasn't gonna last forever.]
So what the hell is your type, now that you know what I like?
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